Santa comes home one night, and his wife, Jeeto, throws her arms around his neck, “I have great news, I am a month overdue. I think we are going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can’t tell anybody.” The next day, Jeeto receives a telephone call from PSEB (Punjab State Electricity Board) because the electricity bill has not been paid. “Am I speaking to Mrs. Santa?” “Yes, speaking.” PSEB guy: “You’re a month overdue, you know!” “How do YOU know?” stammers Jeeto. “Huh, Well, ma’am, its in our files!” says the PSEB guy. “What are you saying? It’s in your files, HOW?” “Yes, we have a system of finding out who’s overdue.” “GOD !!!!!!, this is too much.” “Madam, I’m sorry, I’m following orders, I have to inform you, that you are overdue.” “I know that let me talk to my husband about this tonight, he will speak to your company tomorrow.” That night, she tells Santa about the call, and he mad as a bull, rushes to the PSEB office the next day morning. “Whats going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?” Angry Santa shouts. “Just calm down, says the lady at the reception at PSEB, its nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us.” “PAY you? and if I refuse?” “Well, in that case, sir, we have no option but to cut yours off.” “And what would my wife do then?: Santa asks.” “I don’t know. I guess, she would have to use a candle!!!”
Women are the best vehicles in the world because:
2 beautiful headlights in the front.
2 great bumpers at the back.
Self-lubricating when hot.
Finger touch ignition.
Automatic engine oil change every month.
Any type of piston fits.
Multiple seating styles & adjustments.
Highest mileage 9months with just 5ml refill.
That’s why men are dying to own one.
A horny young man went to a brothel. The lady at the counter asked him what his choice would be. The man wanted to know what was available.
“On the first floor, we have the ex-models, they are all slinky and sexy. On the second floor, we have our ex-actresses, they are all buxom and beautiful. On the third floor, we have our ex-teachers, they…”
“Say no more! Lead me to the third floor !”
“Are you sure? I’m surprised that you would prefer ex-teachers to ex-models and ex-actresses.”
“It’s obvious, ma’am… teachers always make you do a thing over and over again, until you’re perfect at it !!”
An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years.
He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner.
“You see that thing, woman?” he happily exclaimed. “What do you think we ought to do with it?”
With one eye open, his wife replied, “Well, now that you’ve got all the wrinkles out, this might be a good time to wash it.”
Mowed the lawn yesterday, and after doing so, I sat down and had a couple nice cold beers. The day was really quite beautiful, and the brew facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.
Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, “It might be nice to have another child.”
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, “You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts.”
During a course in human sexuality, the instructor was discussing various items in the Kinsey report.
The class members gasped audibly when the instructor read out that a woman had several hundred orgasms in a single session.
A male voice said, “Wow, who was she?”
A female voice followed with, “The hell with that… Who was HE?”
One day in the convent the nuns had their morning prayer session.
At the end of the prayer session the head nun stood up and addressed the rest of the nuns.
She said, “There was a man in the convent last night.”
99 of the nuns go ohhh, and 1 of them goes hee hee hee.
The head nun goes on, “We found a condom in the garden.”
Again 99 of the nuns go ohhhh, 1 nun goeshee hee hee.
The head nun continues, “There was a hole in that condom.”
99 nuns go hee hee hee, 1 nun goes ohhh.
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, “Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you’ll forgive me.”
She replies, “If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 436.”
A Bihari was working in Mumbai and he did not meet this wife for four (4) years while his wife was in Patna (Bihar ).
At the end of 4 years he distributed sweets to his colleagues in office stating that his wife had
delivered a son.
His colleagues were quite shocked and they asked how this “Happy event” happened when he had not seen his wife for four years…
The man said it is common in Bihar that neighbours take care of the wife (good Samaritans) when men are away.
The colleagues asked him, “What name will you give to the son?”
The man explained, “If its the second neighbour who has taken care, then the name would be “DWIVEDI”;
If it is the third neighbour then it would be “TRIVEDI”,
If it is the fourth neighbour then it would be “CHATURVEDI”;
If its the fifth neighbour then it would be “PANDEY”…
After listening to this, questions followed.
What if it is a mixture of neighbours?
“Then the boy would be named “MISHRA”…
And what if the wife is too shy to tell the name of the neighbour?
Then it would be “SHARMA”…
But what if she refuses to divulge the name of the neighbour?
Then the name of the child would be “GUPTA”…
If she does not remember the name then?
“It is YAAD-AV”
But who knows whether the child resulted from a rape?
Then it will be named “DOSHI”…
Finally, if the child happened because of wife’s burning desire?
Then he will be named “JOSHI”…
And if the whole country had made efforts for the happy arrival?
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